A Decidedly Different Interview With ‘Creepy’ Addams Family Head
By: Thomas A. Tuna

Sometimes landing an exclusive interview with a famous horror personality is as easy as going to lunch. Provided you know where to eat and what’s featured on the menu.

On the prowl for a Q&A for my next assignment, I strolled past a cozy bistro in Manhattan’s Greenwich Village last week with ulterior motives (and a growling stomach). I knew this trendy, atmospheric (read: wonderfully eerie) café on a secluded back street had recently updated its already-creepy menu and that it would attract a certain eccentric billionaire (no, not Mike Bloomberg).

I found the spot, walked into the cool darkness and gravitated toward a nook in the back where I saw the familiar silhouette I was looking for: the impossible-to-miss zoot suit, they swarthy dangerous looks and the taboo cigar smoke swirling around the seated figure. It was him: Gomez Addams. My interview (or I was in big trouble in lower Manhattan).

I decided to go with the direct approach, a sort of “Interview with the Vampire” scenario. What follows is the jist of what happened (and, yes, I survived the mind-numbing encounter).

ComicMonsters: Excuse me, sir. You ARE Gomez Addams, aren’t you?

Gomez Addams: I hope so. Otherwise I wasted a perfectly good reservation at this establishment. No autographs, please. I left my branding iron at home. (smiles)

CM: Funny. Your sense of humor precedes you.

GA: I wasn’t kidding. I changed suits at thye last minute and left my branding iron in the vest pocket. I have my fencing sword, though. Maybe that will do …

CM: That’s alright (nervous laugh). I was wondering if I could do a short interview with you for the comicmonsters website.

GA: Comic monsters, you say? Sounds like a fun, family-oriented site. I approve.

CM: Uh, great. Staying with our site’s theme, did you know that Gold Key published a line of comics about your family back in the mid-‘70s?

GA: You don’t say? That must have been one of those times Fester slipped a consent form under my pen while I was doing my yoga exercises. Or the sword-swallowing. I get them confused sometimes. Now THAT can hurt!

CM: Are those the exercises when you stand on your head, smoke and read the newspaper all at the same time?

GA: Doesn’t everyone? Cousin Flattop made it seem so simple and relaxing. I wonder if we ever let him out of the dungeon? Well, at least they alligators enjoyed the break in the routine.

CM: I wanted to ask you about your unique family-Morticia, Fester, Cousin Itt, Mama and your lovely children-but I’m also interested in the fantastical creatures, er, people, we regularly highlight in our site’s articles. For instance, did you ever meet the real Count Dracula during your expeditions around the world?

GA: To start with, why would you think Vlad is a “comic monster”? He’s just a slightly spoiled prince of the blood who’s a snappy dresser and has a way with the women. Oh, and he has a lovely singing voice, despite the overbite. Personally, I think he should cut back on the flossing, but …

CM: Vlad. Right. As long as we’re on the subject, have you also met a Dr. Victor Frankenstein?

GA: Helped him build his first laboratory. I thought it would be a good investment. Always regretted not putting in the extra asbestos. Who knew the villagers liked to play with torches? Sure, juggling them is fun, but tossing them at the house can become expensive.

CM: Whatever happened to his, uh, companion? The tall one.

GA: I’m not sure. Good-looking chap. Healthy complexion, eye-catching neck bolts, distinctive mark along his forehead, strong as a pregnant yak. Kid had it all.

CM: Ever run into a guy named Lyle Talbot in the European wilds?

GA: Once. I think it was my business trip to Romania to buy those railroads. I wrecked the last two in my basement and the adrenalin rush was too much to resist! (triumphant shout and frightening eye movements). My Castillian blood got the best of me and I had to have new trains! Lyle put me on the right track and the rest was locomotive history!

CM: Were you with him when the moon was full?

GA: Handsome is as handsome does. The perfect hair, stylish beard and manicured nails to die for. Reminded me of Cousin Hairball, but a better tree-climber.

CM: Fascinating. Before you go, what do you think of the upcoming Broadway musical about you and your clan?

GA: (smiling around his cigar) It’ll be hard to top the real thing, don’t you think, young man? By the way, have you tried the special of the day here? It’s eye of newt-BAKED. Just like Tish makes.

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